My Bible study journal

Bible study thoughts

I guess that's the title I should have given my blog. I'm usually motivated to write when I read something I don't understand. I have always felt like Bible study leaders felt threatened by me. If I ask unorthodox questions they seem to feel threatened and like I am just a trouble maker or trying to be disagreeable. Maybe to them the answers are obvious, I don't know, but I've learned to keep my mouth shut in most groups. I can remember only two teachers who have even not only welcomed my questions but seemed to delight in them. I wish I could find a teacher like that now. Of course it could also be that my questions are just boring to others and they don't wonder about them at all. I would love to have a Bible study group of strong Christians where we could talk about these things. Another reason I often stay quiet in Bible studies is so that I won't hinder the growth of younger or less secure Christians. I would hate it if my questions caused them to doubt.

In Numbers 33 it says that God had 'defeated the Gods of Egypt' when he killed the firstborn sons in every household.
Okay, this as well as several other passages treat the gods as if they are real, not just the figment of man's imagination. What glory is there in defeating something that doesn't exist? Wouldn't it say something more to the effect of 'God proved the God's of Egypt were man's vain imaginings' instead of talking of defeat?
I think too often we pooh-pooh the idea of 'real' gods, instead we settle in comfortably with the idea that money and television and power are our gods. And those things no doubt are. But even in them I think there is perhaps a spiritual god behind them. Spiritual warfare is real. In other cultures at least, curses often work. It's not that there is no power in the forces of evil, there is. It's just that God's power is far greater. And because we are covered by the blood of Christ, Satan and his minions can't prevail against us. It's a bit frightening to even write about. I don't want to draw any negative attention to myself or my family. But we are in Christ Jesus so there really should be no fear.
Later in 33 God says, "If you fail to drive out the people who live in the land, those who remain will be like splinters in your eyes and thorns in your sides." I believe the OT is literally true. But I also believe it is often symbolic. This is one of those places. When we come into the fullness of the Gospel (coming into the promised land) we still have work to do. One of those jobs is to rid ourselves of certain things, (in NT jargon, 'put off' or 'rid yourselves') If we don't do that, those very things will be constant pain and irritation to us. The sooner we destroy them, and root them out, the sooner we will live at peace.

Personal thoughts
On another level, much lower I'm afraid, I was confronted with an aspect of my character, or personality, that I'm not sure I like.

There is something in me that really doesn't want to take classes. I haven't figured out the root of it yet, I think it has several dimensions. Things I think I believe, even if they aren't valid are:

If someone has to teach you then it's not really yours

If I don't have instruction and do well, then I've done very well. But if I take a class and do well, then I have no excuse for not having done very well.

So, I think at the root of both of those road blocks is the ugly sin of pride. Sort of a reverse pride, I guess. Feel of failure in the second and wanting complete ownership in the first.

In the first, I think that deep down I believe that creativity and intelligence should be instinctive and self-contained, not grow out of the thoughts and ideas of others. But I guess that's hogwash. Everything about life, whether we like it or not, is influenced by others. I think this might have it's roots in a story I wrote as a child in fourth grade. I got a very good grade on it. But the teacher had obviously never read Lewis or she would have flunked me for plagiarism. I didn't copy anything verbatim, but I definitely took many of his ideas and wove them together. When I later reread the story I was ashamed of what I had done, though at the time I don't think I had realized it was wrong. But I saw myself as a cheater and was chagrined.

On the second, I have a deep fear of failure. Instead of causing me to try harder, it generally causes me to not put forth much effort at all. If I haven't really tried, then I can't fail, right? But if I give something my all, if I really want it and I don't acheive it, then it would be awful. I haven't sat down and looked at 'awful' to see what the reality of that would look like. I think I need to do that. I would, no doubt, find that the consequences wouldn't be so bad at all. So that is a task I am going to assign myself.

I remember when Art began buying so many properties and I was always in stress that several would be empty at the same time and we wouldn't be able to pay all the mortgages. When I finally thought through what could happen, I got to the fact that we could lose everything we own. And in the end I realized I could handle that. And so, that worry was pretty much banished. I had faced the fear, imagined it and overcome it. If it came to pass, I knew that I could deal with it. I think that's what I need to do here. It's pride that makes me want to excel and false humility that keeps me from trying.

As long as I am judged on the basis of being a high school drop-out I'm quite impressive. I'm far more intelligent and well read than statistics would lead one to expect. But if I have an education, ah, then I've raised the standard, and I think I'm afraid to see how I will do.

I don't think that if I get this right in my head I will necessarily return to college. But I will be thinking correctly, and that will be a very good thing.