Finding explanations

C. S. Lewis says: "For you notice that it is only for our bad behaviour that we find all these explanations. It is only our bad temper that we put down to being tired or worried or hungry; we put our good temper down to ourselves."

Temperament is an interesting thing. We are born with a sin nature. I have no doubt of that, the evidence around me supports it. I have never seen one iota of proof otherwise. We cannot attain salvation by our works. I completely believe that to be true. It takes the redeeming work of Christ on the cross to save us.

But temperament is different. As I look around I see plenty of folks that while sinful, seem more inclined to good. I see them fairly close to me. My sister, my husband, some of my children, friends all fit into this category. They don't seem to have the demons within them that tempt them to evil. So what is that? I don't look at myself and put the 'good temper down to myself' I don't think. I have had to face the fact that I truly am a worse person than many or even most. I so easily choose what is wrong over what is right. Of course, it has been a process to get there, to not say that 'if only so and so had only faced what I faced they would have done the same'. I have had to look the situation squarely in the face and admit that not only might others have done differently, others have faced much worse and done much better. It's quite discouraging. On the other side of the equation, in a twisted way, it's a sort of a gift. I know beyond any doubt that I don't deserve Christ's love and I have to wonder if some of those who seem to do good so easily don't feel as if God is quite lucky to have gotten them on His side? I only wonder because I realized that that was where I used to be. I wanted to have something to offer God for which He would be grateful. And no doubt that desire still lurks within me. I think perhaps because of that pride, He has allowed me to see that I have nothing at all to offer Him. No righteousness, no heroism, no outstanding character traits, no genius, nothing to give Him at all. And so, painful as that is, it is a gift He has given me. The humility of coming with only my failings isn't fun at all, in fact it's quite painful. And here is the catch for me. Though I know He knows my decrepit state, and I know the same, I'd really sort of like it if those around me didn't become aware of my baseness. I'd be quite happy if, even over my protestations, they believed that I was really quite admirable. And so I know that the pride lives on in me and will remain until I am delighted that others think ill of me if it helps them see God more clearly.