Today I had Bible study. I like my study and I like my small group. We are an interesting mix. We have a South American young lady, new to our country, a young woman pregnant with her second child, a great lady that I already love that is a 'biker chick' type (although she's selling her bike), we have the pastor's wife, the co-owner of two very successful fast food franchises, a lady who moved here from eastern Europe at 19, and elderly woman, widowed once and married twice and me. It's a pretty diverse group.
But anyway, today as I drove there I felt happy. Just really happy. That may not strike you as unusual, but for me it's not the norm. In fact, I called my dh to tell him so. I wondered if other people feel that way often. I don't know. I guess we can never know the baseline for others. And so we don't know how successful they are being in 'overcoming' since we don't know where they started from.
But feeling happy felt so stinking good. I wish I could be there all the time.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Balaam and more
Reading about Balaam in Numbers, he doesn't sound like such a bad guy. In fact, if I had no other verses, I would say that he had behaved in a righteous manner. He refused great riches when bid to do what God said not to do. He said only the words God told him to say. He sought God every time.
But later, Balaam is killed in Numbers 31 by the Israelites.
It is only in other verses that we find that Balaam turned the Israelites away from God by tempting them to eat food sacrificed to idols and with sexual sins, probably including temple prostitution. And we find that Balaam was coveting in his heart the riches that he turned down. I am glad God gives us the extra verses because if it weren't for them, I would think of Balaam as a hero.
Balaam is mentioned 59 times by name. That's an awful lot, and yet we don't study him a lot. The most I knew about him for years was that he was the guy the donkey talked to.. But I'm thinking this is an incredibly valuable story.
Our actions can all be correct. Our words can sound righteous. But if we harbor the wrong desires in our hearts, in the end, they will take contol of us. I have no doubt that this is what brings down so many church leaders. Now, we all have sinful desires that creep into our lives. I don't think there is anyone that doesn't. But the key is to not hide them. If nothing else, take them out and put them in the full light of God's Word. Look at them honestly for what they are. Confess them to another, if at all possible. Be honest.
But I think what Balaam did was to try and hide his own desires from himself. He felt them, but he hid them behind a false self-righteousness. He wasn't just all talk, he even had the right actions. But in the end, his secret desires destroyed him.
But later, Balaam is killed in Numbers 31 by the Israelites.
It is only in other verses that we find that Balaam turned the Israelites away from God by tempting them to eat food sacrificed to idols and with sexual sins, probably including temple prostitution. And we find that Balaam was coveting in his heart the riches that he turned down. I am glad God gives us the extra verses because if it weren't for them, I would think of Balaam as a hero.
Balaam is mentioned 59 times by name. That's an awful lot, and yet we don't study him a lot. The most I knew about him for years was that he was the guy the donkey talked to.. But I'm thinking this is an incredibly valuable story.
Our actions can all be correct. Our words can sound righteous. But if we harbor the wrong desires in our hearts, in the end, they will take contol of us. I have no doubt that this is what brings down so many church leaders. Now, we all have sinful desires that creep into our lives. I don't think there is anyone that doesn't. But the key is to not hide them. If nothing else, take them out and put them in the full light of God's Word. Look at them honestly for what they are. Confess them to another, if at all possible. Be honest.
But I think what Balaam did was to try and hide his own desires from himself. He felt them, but he hid them behind a false self-righteousness. He wasn't just all talk, he even had the right actions. But in the end, his secret desires destroyed him.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Perceiving our badness
Here is a quote from Lewis.
"When we merely say that we are bad, the 'wrath' of God seems a barbarous doctrine; as soon as we perceive our badness, it appears inevitable, a mere corollary from God's goodness. To keep ever before us the insight derived from such a moment as I have been describing, to learn to detect the same real inexcusable corruption under more an dmore of its complex disguises, is therefore indispensable to a real understanding of the Christian faith."
Okay, this is where I am. I don't pretend to have explored the depths of my own sin. But what I've seen of it is enough. I have had my eyes opened enough to catch a glimpse of my own failings, utter and complete, and that is enough. I don't want to see any more because I am dismayed at the bit I have seen.
But I have to wonder. Are all as sinful as I? The Roman Centurion was called a 'righteous man' if I remember it correctly. I want to cling to the idea that everyone would do the same as I given the same circumstances. But I think that is really just another sign of sin in me...pride. I cling to finding some excuse for my wrongdoing.
I don't think this really makes any difference. I am desperately in need of a Savior and I've been given one. My mind shouldn't even wonder about the failings of others. It's enough for me to know that I have been given a way of escape.
So I guess, in a twisted way, it is a gift that I have seen my failings so clearly. If I were a 'better' person, I might not realize that I had such a need of Christ, so much to be grateful for. It's had to think of being thankful for being revealed in my sin, and maybe I'm wrong in that, and yet it makes it so much easier to be grateful. I have so much more to be grateful for.
This little thought process hasn't been very succinct or straightforward. I guess what I am saying is that though everyone falls short of the glory of God, not everyone is equally sinful. I have seen that I am about as sinful as they come and totally without excuse. I am grateful (which seems a strange thing to be grateful for) that I have seen my total failure to be righteous. Seeing my sinfulness makes it so much easier to be grateful to God. I'm not saying that my sin is good, only that it has revealed God's goodness. Which is all in Scripture, now that I think about it, it's just that it has come to life for me.
"When we merely say that we are bad, the 'wrath' of God seems a barbarous doctrine; as soon as we perceive our badness, it appears inevitable, a mere corollary from God's goodness. To keep ever before us the insight derived from such a moment as I have been describing, to learn to detect the same real inexcusable corruption under more an dmore of its complex disguises, is therefore indispensable to a real understanding of the Christian faith."
Okay, this is where I am. I don't pretend to have explored the depths of my own sin. But what I've seen of it is enough. I have had my eyes opened enough to catch a glimpse of my own failings, utter and complete, and that is enough. I don't want to see any more because I am dismayed at the bit I have seen.
But I have to wonder. Are all as sinful as I? The Roman Centurion was called a 'righteous man' if I remember it correctly. I want to cling to the idea that everyone would do the same as I given the same circumstances. But I think that is really just another sign of sin in me...pride. I cling to finding some excuse for my wrongdoing.
I don't think this really makes any difference. I am desperately in need of a Savior and I've been given one. My mind shouldn't even wonder about the failings of others. It's enough for me to know that I have been given a way of escape.
So I guess, in a twisted way, it is a gift that I have seen my failings so clearly. If I were a 'better' person, I might not realize that I had such a need of Christ, so much to be grateful for. It's had to think of being thankful for being revealed in my sin, and maybe I'm wrong in that, and yet it makes it so much easier to be grateful. I have so much more to be grateful for.
This little thought process hasn't been very succinct or straightforward. I guess what I am saying is that though everyone falls short of the glory of God, not everyone is equally sinful. I have seen that I am about as sinful as they come and totally without excuse. I am grateful (which seems a strange thing to be grateful for) that I have seen my total failure to be righteous. Seeing my sinfulness makes it so much easier to be grateful to God. I'm not saying that my sin is good, only that it has revealed God's goodness. Which is all in Scripture, now that I think about it, it's just that it has come to life for me.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Prayer
Tonight we had our pastor and his family for dinner. They are a lot of fun. He just got back from a mission trip to Sudan so he was bursting with stories. I had planned to have a Mexican Fiesta, but found at church this morning that he's getting over the stomach flu, so I had to quickly change the menu to something bland. That was no fun!
But just before they got here I checked my emails. I got one from H. Her humvee was hit by an IED. She sounds shaken and bruised, both physically and emotionally. Praise God that no one was killed. Praise God for the extra armor they have put on those vehicles. Praise God for every day that He sustains our lives in big ways and small. I know that she is struggling. I can't put her struggles on my on-line log, that would be an invasion of her privacy. But I hurt for her and I want to help. I want to help her in her life and in her walk with God. I want to help her be freed from the demands that she places on herself and help her understand grace. I want to be salt and light and love in her life.
But just before they got here I checked my emails. I got one from H. Her humvee was hit by an IED. She sounds shaken and bruised, both physically and emotionally. Praise God that no one was killed. Praise God for the extra armor they have put on those vehicles. Praise God for every day that He sustains our lives in big ways and small. I know that she is struggling. I can't put her struggles on my on-line log, that would be an invasion of her privacy. But I hurt for her and I want to help. I want to help her in her life and in her walk with God. I want to help her be freed from the demands that she places on herself and help her understand grace. I want to be salt and light and love in her life.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Optimism and other thoughts...Numbers 14
There was a post at LP recently that got into the topic of positive thinking. It was a good reminder for me because my mind is often fill with negative thoughts, especially about myself and my abilities. Allowing those thoughts to fill my head undermines what I am doing and colors my thinking with grey.
In the OT, the Israelites seemed to consistently get it wrong. They had a few shining moments when they trusted God and had their confidence in Him. Take Jericho, where through obedience they did the impossible. But they immediately followed it up with Ai. And they suffered a crushing defeat because they began to believe that the victory was theirs and not God's. And then as they came to the promised land, God promised it to them, but they listened to the negative voices among them. So God basically said, "Forget it, you aren't going to have victory if you go in now." At that point they became optimistic, decided they could do it, even though God said He wasn't going to help them for another forty years, and they once again suffered defeat.
All the positive self-talk in the world wasn't going to help them if God wasn't with them. In fact, that is the root of pride, isn't it? To believe that your future lies in your own hands? That you are in control of your destiny? On the other hand, it is the sin of lack of faith to be filled with doubt when God has said go ahead.
So there are two different problems at the ends of the spectrum. At the one end we are full of pride, trusting in ourselves and at the other end, we are empty of faith, lacking trust of God. So, I'm thinking that the issue isn't positive thoughts or talk, the issue is, in whom do you have your confidence? We ought to have the most positive views in the world about God and what He can do, but being cognizant at all times that He is the reason for our confidence, not our confidence itself. It's sort of like believing that our cheering will win the game for the team, rather than cheering because we know our team has what it takes to win.
So I do think that positive self-talk is important. Too often, I fall prey to lies that fill my head. But confidence and optimism are useless if not based in truth.
Different topic. I came across a few more verses today. One I love. "Please pardon the sins of this people because of your magnificent unfailing love..." Magnificent unfailing love. What an incredible phrase. How could that not bring hope?
But it also, for me, brings up some theological questions. Not that verse, but the whole passage. God tells Moses that He IS going to destroy Israel with a plague. Period. No maybe's. Then Moses intercedes in their behalf. And then God says that He will pardon them as Moses has requested.
How do TR's deal with that? I've heard them explain it away, but it sounds just like that...that they are explaining it away. And later, Moses says, "The Lord will abandon you because you have abandoned the Lord." That sounds an awful lot like they rejected what was being offered. What happens to irrisistable grace?
It seems like there are many verses, throughout Scripture that put pinholes in the ultra reformed theology. But because the TR's have few proof texts they throw out, without putting them in context of the whole Bible, they can neatly package everything up. I think it's much more complicated than that.
And another idea I'm grappling with is the idea of God's omnipresence or immanence. It is a basic tenet of Christianity that God is everywhere and in all. But I can see that there are few complexities to that. First, in the OT at least, God dwelt in certain places, in the tabernacle, on the mountain, and I'm sure in some others I'm not thinking of right now. So was it that He dwelt in His fullness in those places, but just roamed in the others? Or was He only in those places it talks about Him being? And did that change in the NT? I'm sure it's possible that it did. In the OT the Spirit was sent and removed from people's lives. In the NT we are assured of the Spirit's presence in our lives, and indwelling, as believers. But where does that leave the unbeliever. I have always understood that God did not dwell in them. So is that at least one place that God's omnipresence does not not extend? And God cannot tolerate the presence of evil. So does the presence of evil drive God's immenance from that place? How do those two ideas coexist in harmony. What I am not talking about here is pantheism. I'm not even hinting that God's presence in something makes that thing God, any more than ice tea in my pitcher turns the pitcher into a beverage. It is simply a place where the tea resides. But are there places where God does not dwell?
In the OT, the Israelites seemed to consistently get it wrong. They had a few shining moments when they trusted God and had their confidence in Him. Take Jericho, where through obedience they did the impossible. But they immediately followed it up with Ai. And they suffered a crushing defeat because they began to believe that the victory was theirs and not God's. And then as they came to the promised land, God promised it to them, but they listened to the negative voices among them. So God basically said, "Forget it, you aren't going to have victory if you go in now." At that point they became optimistic, decided they could do it, even though God said He wasn't going to help them for another forty years, and they once again suffered defeat.
All the positive self-talk in the world wasn't going to help them if God wasn't with them. In fact, that is the root of pride, isn't it? To believe that your future lies in your own hands? That you are in control of your destiny? On the other hand, it is the sin of lack of faith to be filled with doubt when God has said go ahead.
So there are two different problems at the ends of the spectrum. At the one end we are full of pride, trusting in ourselves and at the other end, we are empty of faith, lacking trust of God. So, I'm thinking that the issue isn't positive thoughts or talk, the issue is, in whom do you have your confidence? We ought to have the most positive views in the world about God and what He can do, but being cognizant at all times that He is the reason for our confidence, not our confidence itself. It's sort of like believing that our cheering will win the game for the team, rather than cheering because we know our team has what it takes to win.
So I do think that positive self-talk is important. Too often, I fall prey to lies that fill my head. But confidence and optimism are useless if not based in truth.
Different topic. I came across a few more verses today. One I love. "Please pardon the sins of this people because of your magnificent unfailing love..." Magnificent unfailing love. What an incredible phrase. How could that not bring hope?
But it also, for me, brings up some theological questions. Not that verse, but the whole passage. God tells Moses that He IS going to destroy Israel with a plague. Period. No maybe's. Then Moses intercedes in their behalf. And then God says that He will pardon them as Moses has requested.
How do TR's deal with that? I've heard them explain it away, but it sounds just like that...that they are explaining it away. And later, Moses says, "The Lord will abandon you because you have abandoned the Lord." That sounds an awful lot like they rejected what was being offered. What happens to irrisistable grace?
It seems like there are many verses, throughout Scripture that put pinholes in the ultra reformed theology. But because the TR's have few proof texts they throw out, without putting them in context of the whole Bible, they can neatly package everything up. I think it's much more complicated than that.
And another idea I'm grappling with is the idea of God's omnipresence or immanence. It is a basic tenet of Christianity that God is everywhere and in all. But I can see that there are few complexities to that. First, in the OT at least, God dwelt in certain places, in the tabernacle, on the mountain, and I'm sure in some others I'm not thinking of right now. So was it that He dwelt in His fullness in those places, but just roamed in the others? Or was He only in those places it talks about Him being? And did that change in the NT? I'm sure it's possible that it did. In the OT the Spirit was sent and removed from people's lives. In the NT we are assured of the Spirit's presence in our lives, and indwelling, as believers. But where does that leave the unbeliever. I have always understood that God did not dwell in them. So is that at least one place that God's omnipresence does not not extend? And God cannot tolerate the presence of evil. So does the presence of evil drive God's immenance from that place? How do those two ideas coexist in harmony. What I am not talking about here is pantheism. I'm not even hinting that God's presence in something makes that thing God, any more than ice tea in my pitcher turns the pitcher into a beverage. It is simply a place where the tea resides. But are there places where God does not dwell?
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Writing
Who was it that said that if you just start writing, the story will come? Or maybe they said that if you develop the characters, the plot would come.
Anyway, I have wanted to try some writing, so tonight I just started writing what came to mind. I got a paragraph done and then I was done. That's it. De nada. Zippo. Nothing else to put down. Here's what I wrote:
In a tree near the edge of the rain forest lived a monkey. Not just any ordinary, wimpy sort of tree with flimsy branches, but a tree of stature and strength with wonderful pockets formed by spreading branches where one could curl up for a secure nap or store fruit for later munchings. It had perfectly balanced limbs that curved upward to form an umbrella of almost impenetrable thickness above, except when the wind blew, and then a delightful mosaic of shadows would play on the branches below. A latticework of vines surrounded the tree making it a wonderful launching spot for swings and soarings through the air. The tree was mostly straight, mostly that is, except where it should have been curvy, for there is was curvy. And up, nearly at the top, before the trunk split into the myriad branches that sprang from it was a strategically placed hole. One that had occurred naturally, but nonetheless was in just the right spot. Into this hole the monkey sometimes crept in the worst of weather and was quite snug when he did so, for over time he had lined it with softest mosses and leaves and made it into a quite habitable home, even though monkeys don’t usually live in holes. But he didn’t spend much time there, for he loved the space and freedom and vision that his perches outside provided.
So there the monkey will sit for the rest of his days, wrestling with no problem larger than whether to retreat into his nice mossy hole or venture onto a vine for a little swing. I can't think of one solitary conflict that I want to foist on the cute little guy. And I'm not sure I want to introduce him to any of the other characters in my imagination. He has such a nice little world, I want to just leave him there.
Anyway, I have wanted to try some writing, so tonight I just started writing what came to mind. I got a paragraph done and then I was done. That's it. De nada. Zippo. Nothing else to put down. Here's what I wrote:
In a tree near the edge of the rain forest lived a monkey. Not just any ordinary, wimpy sort of tree with flimsy branches, but a tree of stature and strength with wonderful pockets formed by spreading branches where one could curl up for a secure nap or store fruit for later munchings. It had perfectly balanced limbs that curved upward to form an umbrella of almost impenetrable thickness above, except when the wind blew, and then a delightful mosaic of shadows would play on the branches below. A latticework of vines surrounded the tree making it a wonderful launching spot for swings and soarings through the air. The tree was mostly straight, mostly that is, except where it should have been curvy, for there is was curvy. And up, nearly at the top, before the trunk split into the myriad branches that sprang from it was a strategically placed hole. One that had occurred naturally, but nonetheless was in just the right spot. Into this hole the monkey sometimes crept in the worst of weather and was quite snug when he did so, for over time he had lined it with softest mosses and leaves and made it into a quite habitable home, even though monkeys don’t usually live in holes. But he didn’t spend much time there, for he loved the space and freedom and vision that his perches outside provided.
So there the monkey will sit for the rest of his days, wrestling with no problem larger than whether to retreat into his nice mossy hole or venture onto a vine for a little swing. I can't think of one solitary conflict that I want to foist on the cute little guy. And I'm not sure I want to introduce him to any of the other characters in my imagination. He has such a nice little world, I want to just leave him there.
Rattling around in my head
There are several thoughts simultaneously in my head right now. Some are practical, some are theoretical, and one seems to bridge the two.
On the practical side, my ddil had a heart 'episode' two nights ago. Though she is only 23 she is on beta blockers. We invited our ds and ddil for dinner last night with some other guests and ds came be ddil did not. Erik told us that the night before she had been having some bad palpitations and couldn't control her eyes and couldn't walk. He has been through many lesser episodes with her but this was the worst. She went to work but came home early because she had strong tingling in her legs and arms. She still had it last night. I told Erik I thought she should really go to the doctor. So this morning they got an appointment and that's where they are now.
We also have a guest here. He's a great guy, a retired Air Force General who is the Executive Director of a nonprofit we work with. So, part of me feels like I should be down with him, but part of me thinks he's happy to be left alone, so he can get some work done, and most of me knows I needed this time to have some quiet time. And part of me knows I need to get some housework done.
Which is where the bridge comes in.
I am still trudging through Leviticus and Numbers, not the most inspiring books of the Bible. But in my reading today I was reading about the Gershonites, the Kohathites and the Merarites. Nothing profound, but God gave them such exciting jobs as 'general service and carrying loads', removing ashes from the altar, and wrapping utenils. Doesn't sound like very holy work to me. And yet it was. It was because it related to the Temple of God. Because they were caring for God's dwelling place, their work was sacred. So I'm thinking that the application is relevant. God's dwelling place is now the hearts of believers. So just as these clans had menial work that was sacred, so all I do for those who bear the image of God is sacred. Carrying loads doesn't sound like a high calling, and yet it was. So whether I physically carry a load for my family...laundry, cooking, whatever...or an emotional one or prayer, it all becomes a sacred duty. So while missions may feel more spiritual, or leading a Bible study, it's not if it isn't what God called me to do. And if I am doing the dishes to care for Christ-bearers, it is holy.
Another truth that hit me again was about betrayal. Numbers says, "If any of the people-men or women-betraythe Lord by doing wrong to another person, they are guilty." Our sin in ultimately never against someone else, in the end it is against the Lord. I am not denying the hurt and pain we may cause another or that we can sin against them. In fact it goes on to say that we must confess and make restitution. But the biggie here isn't our sin against them, it's our sin against God. Because everything we do to harm another person does several other things as well. It is a sign of rebellion against God's laws, it harms His name and it shows a lack of faith that He will handle our situation for us. I wonder if that last one isn't the one that hurts Him the most. I know that when I have sinned, it is the betrayal of God that has grieved me the most. I have repented of my wrongdoing but I have been abject that I couldn't take back that lack of faith, the turning away from trust. I was thinking yesterday about the questions that I have about the Bible. They are real. I struggle with them. But not in the sense that they make me doubt God or His Word. Rather it's a struggle to understand, to comprehend, to unlock the complexities of His Word. And one of the main reasons I want to understand is so that I can help others as they grapple with His Truth. I think that for myself, I'm content to just trust and know that in eternity I'll understand. But when someone else asks, I want to have an answer. As I was thinking I thought about losing faith and how awful that would be. I can't even imagine it. God is so real to me, even when He is distant. If I removed the reality of Him, my life would collapse. I would be like a body with no skeleton. There would be no framework for life. When I was eighteen I wrote a poem. I don't know where it is now, but I think I remember the beginning.
Misty clouds draw night to earth, shrouding from my view,
the clear cut image of a tree of multivaried hue.
A tree so straight, so hard, so fierce, against the winds of time,
now softens in this darkest gloom, this mist within my mind.
It sinks and wavers, fading fast, without the ebbing light,
I turn... and find nothing to watch amid this darkest night.
The crosscut image of my mind, has left an empty void,
now filled with thoughts and dreams and goals
with which my mind has toyed.
I drift in stillness now alone, at last I'm on my own.
And ice cold waters fill my veins and stiffness fills my bones.
No center point, no new direction, every space is black.
There is no axis for my life, I walk with back to back.
I wrote that after a really hard time in my life. I had tried to leave God alone. In fact, I had said, "Listen God, You forget about me and I'll forget about You, okay?" I'll just say it didn't work too well, and the poem above was the best way I could find at the time to express what I was feeling. But that was thirty years ago. Amazing isn't it? Lewis says that there are three things necessary for morality. One must be in harmony with the others working towards the same goal, one must be at harmony within oneself and one must have the correct objective. That may be simplistic but I think that as far as it goes, it is true. For me, at this point in life, I think my biggest struggle is the one within myself.
And just one more thought I had which is just sort of a point for exploration. I was thinking of scientists and philosophers and theologians. Let's see if I can put into words the beginning of my thought. Both scientists and philosophers begin with the physical. From what I understand the scientist (speaking in generalities of course) separates the physical from all else and only wants observable data. I believe that most philosophers study the physical and try to derive eternal truths from what they observe. But the flaw here is that nothing physical is an absolute, nor is anything physical eternal. So a scientist studying only the physical learns only how uncertain things are and likewise, the attempts to obtain a complete understanding of life, from studying the physical, is doomed to failure. Those who say that there is no absolute truth are correct, in what they understand. But what they don't understand is that there is a Truth that is before and after the physical. So even though there may not be a fixed physical frame for the universe, there is something beyond the universe that is fixed and is unchangeable. They are just blind to it. Tozer talks about all of this and does a much better job of it.
On the practical side, my ddil had a heart 'episode' two nights ago. Though she is only 23 she is on beta blockers. We invited our ds and ddil for dinner last night with some other guests and ds came be ddil did not. Erik told us that the night before she had been having some bad palpitations and couldn't control her eyes and couldn't walk. He has been through many lesser episodes with her but this was the worst. She went to work but came home early because she had strong tingling in her legs and arms. She still had it last night. I told Erik I thought she should really go to the doctor. So this morning they got an appointment and that's where they are now.
We also have a guest here. He's a great guy, a retired Air Force General who is the Executive Director of a nonprofit we work with. So, part of me feels like I should be down with him, but part of me thinks he's happy to be left alone, so he can get some work done, and most of me knows I needed this time to have some quiet time. And part of me knows I need to get some housework done.
Which is where the bridge comes in.
I am still trudging through Leviticus and Numbers, not the most inspiring books of the Bible. But in my reading today I was reading about the Gershonites, the Kohathites and the Merarites. Nothing profound, but God gave them such exciting jobs as 'general service and carrying loads', removing ashes from the altar, and wrapping utenils. Doesn't sound like very holy work to me. And yet it was. It was because it related to the Temple of God. Because they were caring for God's dwelling place, their work was sacred. So I'm thinking that the application is relevant. God's dwelling place is now the hearts of believers. So just as these clans had menial work that was sacred, so all I do for those who bear the image of God is sacred. Carrying loads doesn't sound like a high calling, and yet it was. So whether I physically carry a load for my family...laundry, cooking, whatever...or an emotional one or prayer, it all becomes a sacred duty. So while missions may feel more spiritual, or leading a Bible study, it's not if it isn't what God called me to do. And if I am doing the dishes to care for Christ-bearers, it is holy.
Another truth that hit me again was about betrayal. Numbers says, "If any of the people-men or women-betraythe Lord by doing wrong to another person, they are guilty." Our sin in ultimately never against someone else, in the end it is against the Lord. I am not denying the hurt and pain we may cause another or that we can sin against them. In fact it goes on to say that we must confess and make restitution. But the biggie here isn't our sin against them, it's our sin against God. Because everything we do to harm another person does several other things as well. It is a sign of rebellion against God's laws, it harms His name and it shows a lack of faith that He will handle our situation for us. I wonder if that last one isn't the one that hurts Him the most. I know that when I have sinned, it is the betrayal of God that has grieved me the most. I have repented of my wrongdoing but I have been abject that I couldn't take back that lack of faith, the turning away from trust. I was thinking yesterday about the questions that I have about the Bible. They are real. I struggle with them. But not in the sense that they make me doubt God or His Word. Rather it's a struggle to understand, to comprehend, to unlock the complexities of His Word. And one of the main reasons I want to understand is so that I can help others as they grapple with His Truth. I think that for myself, I'm content to just trust and know that in eternity I'll understand. But when someone else asks, I want to have an answer. As I was thinking I thought about losing faith and how awful that would be. I can't even imagine it. God is so real to me, even when He is distant. If I removed the reality of Him, my life would collapse. I would be like a body with no skeleton. There would be no framework for life. When I was eighteen I wrote a poem. I don't know where it is now, but I think I remember the beginning.
Misty clouds draw night to earth, shrouding from my view,
the clear cut image of a tree of multivaried hue.
A tree so straight, so hard, so fierce, against the winds of time,
now softens in this darkest gloom, this mist within my mind.
It sinks and wavers, fading fast, without the ebbing light,
I turn... and find nothing to watch amid this darkest night.
The crosscut image of my mind, has left an empty void,
now filled with thoughts and dreams and goals
with which my mind has toyed.
I drift in stillness now alone, at last I'm on my own.
And ice cold waters fill my veins and stiffness fills my bones.
No center point, no new direction, every space is black.
There is no axis for my life, I walk with back to back.
I wrote that after a really hard time in my life. I had tried to leave God alone. In fact, I had said, "Listen God, You forget about me and I'll forget about You, okay?" I'll just say it didn't work too well, and the poem above was the best way I could find at the time to express what I was feeling. But that was thirty years ago. Amazing isn't it? Lewis says that there are three things necessary for morality. One must be in harmony with the others working towards the same goal, one must be at harmony within oneself and one must have the correct objective. That may be simplistic but I think that as far as it goes, it is true. For me, at this point in life, I think my biggest struggle is the one within myself.
And just one more thought I had which is just sort of a point for exploration. I was thinking of scientists and philosophers and theologians. Let's see if I can put into words the beginning of my thought. Both scientists and philosophers begin with the physical. From what I understand the scientist (speaking in generalities of course) separates the physical from all else and only wants observable data. I believe that most philosophers study the physical and try to derive eternal truths from what they observe. But the flaw here is that nothing physical is an absolute, nor is anything physical eternal. So a scientist studying only the physical learns only how uncertain things are and likewise, the attempts to obtain a complete understanding of life, from studying the physical, is doomed to failure. Those who say that there is no absolute truth are correct, in what they understand. But what they don't understand is that there is a Truth that is before and after the physical. So even though there may not be a fixed physical frame for the universe, there is something beyond the universe that is fixed and is unchangeable. They are just blind to it. Tozer talks about all of this and does a much better job of it.
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